Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Belligerent Spectator – Vampires Suck!

      They are everywhere. Movies, television shows, billboards, buses, conventions, even Gillette razor advertisements. Forget it Buffy, I don’t think even you could slay this massive infestation of crapires. Along with successful movies such as Twilight and New Moon, television vampire dramas like True Blood and the new Vampire Diaries bit the jugular vein of many trend-following Americans. It seems that all of these producers, envying the success of Stephanie Meyer’s adolescent novel series, decided to jump on the bandwagon and exploit vampirism for the small amount it is worth.

If I have to see one more t-shirt that reads, “Bite me (vampires only) LOL” or “I only date vampires,” I think I’m going to vomit like I just got hit with swine flu. And worse, I speculate that Halloween is going to consist of teenage mall-goths dressed as Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. Why is this bloody trend snowballing into a cult following? Hopefully it is simply another fifteen-minute HotTopic trend like Tim Burton movies and The Dark Knight merchandise. Not only do these modern day vampires suck (pun intended), but the movies and shows in which they appear are so terrible they are one step below “reality” television. Twilight is giving girls unrealistic expectations of guys and relationships and the plot behind True Blood is just too strange for words. I am also kind of convinced that Robert Pattinson is a creepy vampire in real life and that Anna Paquin’s fake southern accent is giving me ear ulcers.

If, and this is a big garlic-stinking if, vampires were indeed in existence, they would not call you spider monkey and take you to a baseball game. They would launch at your throat and drain your blood so you could not dream of being with Edward Cullen anymore. The main problem that I have with Hollywood vampires is that they are completely romanticized and their overall demeanor has been sugar-coated to the point where they are de-fanged. The literature in which vampires first appeared would tell us otherwise. Vampires are supposed to be blood-sucking demons with no identifiable human emotions. Stereotypically, vampires were feared and hunted, not idolized and desired. Since when do vampires “sparkle?” Whatever happened to Dracula and Nosferatu-esque vampires? I like my classic monsters to have at least a little bit of dignity. In True Blood vampires consort with and even protect humans. The show actually acquires its name from the fictional drink “True Blood.” The drink is a synthetic form of human blood that vampires drink so they are not tempted to harm their precious mortal friends. There are even prop advertisements for this drink with the tagline being “Friends don’t let friends drink friends.” Seriously kids, classic literature shows us that vampires only want you for your blood, not your companionship.

          Fellow Americans, lay off the vampire blood and leave the angst and lust for unrealistic romantic scenarios to Twilight obsessed, tween fan girls. All I’m saying is that vampirism’s fifteen minutes in the limelight are almost up, and time is waiting with a wooden stake. 

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